Pills Of Fury

Your Pills Of Fury: Tippett Studio Pong Tournament 2007 Champions!

2007-10-11T12:26:00.002-07:00

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags! Congratulations to Morgan Loomis and Jeremy Cho!

It has been my distinct pleasure to bring you this tournament. I was very glad to see so many people participate and spectate. Warms my heart.

Now get to practicing! Next year's tournament is only 11.5 months away!

Remember That Grid Thing?

2007-10-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

I do.

It came down to Nathan vs. Me. If SILF won, I'd go home ridiculously happy. If Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags won, Nathan's buying his lady friend a very nice dinner.

Three hundred and twelve American. Effing ess!!

Congratulations to Nathan. Someone escort him to his car tonight, please.

Team Photographer Comes Through!

2007-10-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Ross managed to film something usable in spite of the debilitating effects of everything going on around him.

Check these paths for excitement documentation:

Video:
/tip/roto/people/ross/flicks/2007_pong/game_point.MPG

Photos:
/tip/roto/people/ross/flicks/2007_pong/oct_3_final/

The Gambler: Results

2007-10-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

Holy windfall! Everyone who thought that a jet-lagged and delirious Kane Brassington would be easy pickings felt the sting of his acumen this day, I tell you. The man, very simply, cleaned house. Took all of your money, your wives, your girlfriends, your cars, your mansions, and your Vital Vittles bread. $19 coming in, $1 going out. Zang!!

Total today: $18

Tournament total: $14

Pill Count

2007-10-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking wow. Today was not only The Most Exciting Pong Day Ever, but it was also the Most Pill-tacular Day Ever! I swear to you that I was nervous for my own package. Check this out...

Jcho: 1 hit
JParm: 1 hit
TimD: 1 hit (spectator!)
Adam: 2 hits (another spectator!)
Hans: 4 hits!

Any hope of continuing the Brekke family name was ruined this day. Hans was probably shaking dust out of his chonies for the rest of the day after that powdering.

Daily total: 9

Tournament total: 26

Jeepers. Medic!!!

Day 10 Action!

2007-10-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Championship Wednesday, dudes! This is what we've been waiting for!

Game 1:
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. SILF

Hot diggety! Centre Court was jam packed with people and the aroma of great times! I got there early and I was still late. That's how excited people were. There were about fifty folks lining the court when I arrived (I'm usually the first) and another ten or fifteen showed before the game started. Holy cats! That's a lot of tension! Jcho even brought his wife and dog for moral support. This was unprecedented attendance.

SILF cruised through the Winner's Bracket with nary a scratch, an underdog the entire way. Hairbags dropped to the Loser's Bracket after their first game and had to play flawless pong to get this far, every game an elimination game. Yeah!!

Kane was back from a successful tour of the UK and he was desperate to dig himself out of a shocking monetary hole. He was in the red up to this point and that would not sit. Waving money around and taking nearly every bet that came his way (Who wants action on, "Morgan will not roof the ball"?), he'd be headed to the Poorhouse if things didn't go just right. It seemed that every bet went through him, which is nutty. Nobody wanted to bet with anyone but Kane. That's some heavy action. I think I saw some French School kids wander over with fives.

By the time the game started, the crowd was fully warmed up and ready to go. The table was absolutely engulfed in a dense crush of noise. You could see the players squinching against the physical pressure of it. Morgan would admit later that he had to consciously tighten his sphincter, lest he poop his pants. It was that intense.

It was a fantastic game throughout, with Hairbags finally pulling away at only the very end.

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 21, SILF: 17

On to Game 2! The Final Elimination!

We couldn't have asked for more drama. Game 2 of the Championship Round is always a rare treat and this one proved to be one of the best of all time. This game went down to the wire, neck and neck the entire way. To make things even more regrettably unbearable, Jance broke! Our Official Scoreboard broke at about 5-serving-6. Or was it 6-serving-5? Or 4 serving-7?!? Jance said one thing and the crowd said something else! Now?!? In the final game?? This is not the time to malfunction! Once he was recalibrated, we thought everything would be fine, until a few points later when someone demanded an update and Jance replied, "I have no idea what the score is." All the air got sucked out of the area as the crowd collectively gasped. My tiny mind raced with notions and schemes about how I was going to get out of Centre Court alive once the scene degenerated into torches and pitchforks. Thankfully someone knew the score and we just kind of continued on, pretending that nothing horrible almost happened.

Point after point, rally after rally, slam after slam, the scores stayed close and the excitement escalated. 11-11. 14-15. 17-17!! SILF took a bit of a lead at 20-18!! Point game with two to give! SILF?!? Could it be??

20-19! Holy fuck!

Deuce!!!

If memory serves, this had happened a couple of times before. Maybe only once, I don't know. Deuce in the final elimination game? Can you imagine a more ridiculous scenario? I can't, and my wet undies were a testament to that, as were the soiled undergarments of Jess, John K, Clemens, Yasmin, Brian, Voss, Kane (with stacks of green on the line), Ross (desperately hoping through a haze of tears that his image stabilization was working as he tried to document the proceedings on film), Chris Muffins, and a host of other folks who decided that this would be the first time they would come down to watch pong. The entire courtyard would have to be cordoned off and the HazMat team would have to be called, but it could wait. We were fully contaminated already.

Now...

Deuce.

There are four options when things go to Deuce. Either it's tied and you can try to breathe, you're up one and go for one last point for the win, you're down one and do all you can to hold it together and re-tie and go back to Deuce, or the game is over. That's it. Every point is a do-or-die, for the most part. No coasting at this point. So...

First serve:
Advantage SILF!

Second serve:
Deuce!

Third serve:
Advantage SILF!

Fourth serve:
Deuce!

Fifth serve:
Advantage SILF!

Sixth serve:
Deuce!!

Holy @#$!! Three chances to win, all blown! I personally had six heart attacks (This could have been worse - heart attacks are best in even numbers, because the second of each pair actually restarts the heart. If you have an odd number, well, sorry. Game over.). I was ready to expire. Surely they wouldn't get another golden opportunity to win this thing.

Seventh serve:
Advantage Hairbags!

See?? This thing is over....

Eighth serve:
Deuce!!

What the @#$?? Apoplexia had consumed the crowd. Ears were split, chests exploded, minds shattered, and David Gibson turned to a quivering mass of jelly.

Ninth serve:
Advantage SILF!

Another chance!!

Tenth serve:
Deuce!

You've got to be @#$ing kidding me!! I think Austin Eddy clinically died for two or three seconds.

Eleventh serve:
Advantage Hairbags!

JesusMaryJoseph...

Twelfth serve:
Game over!! Game over!!! Game over!!!

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 27, SILF: 25

Had I tried to write a compelling script for Championship Wednesday, I could only hope that it would have turned out like this. What an exciting day. Fantastic, fantastic fun.

Thanks to everyone who played and everyone who participated. Wow.

Mass Profiling!

2007-10-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a profile of all the teams that haven't been profiled. Everyone gets their due. If a picture is worth a thousand words, consider this a novella-length entry.

Beetledouche:
Jonny Tal & Ryan Hood

Muffintops:
Jess Vickery & David Gibson

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags:
Morgan Loomis & Jeremy Cho

Hot Buzz:
Blaise Panfalone & Tom Collins

Wax Off:
Mike Brunet & James Brown

Q-Balls:
Steven Q & Joel Friesch

Jew Magix:
Michael Clemens & Stephen Wong

The Gambler: Status

2007-10-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've just heard from Kane himself. He's a little loopy from jet lag. He just returned from the UK, that hotbed of illicit pong action, and hasn't quite gotten his legs under him yet.

You know what that means: Bring your singles! He's ripe!

Championship Day!

2007-10-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Today's game:

SILF vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

Here's how it works...

1. If SILF wins, they are the champions, as Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags will have lost two games in the tournament.

2. IF SILF loses, we play a second game. As each team will have lost one game to this point, the winner of game two is the winner of the tournament.

Easy. Note: Don't listen to Blaise's crazy ravings about how it should be Best-Of-Three. He's insane.

See you out there at 4:30! Bring your earplugs and your outside voice.

Speaking Of Pillings...

2007-09-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Jcho, one half of the Loser's Bracket winning Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags, recently took his dog Remy in for a little neutering of his own. The big difference for Remy is that he had anaesthesia. Can't say the same for Tom Collins, who suffered a little battlefield surgery today.

Grand Marshal Pleased!

2007-09-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

Ed Grimley couldn't be more happy about the Championship Pair and Championship Wednesday, I must say. He couldn't have asked for a more exciting tournament.

The Gambler: Update

2007-09-28T17:38:00.001-07:00

Word around town is that Kane's back on Tuesday, which means that he'll be around for the championship on Wednesday.

Break your twenties on Tuesday evening.

Pill Count

2007-09-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Tom Collins. He had the first audible pilling of the tournament. That's right. The thing hit him so hard that we heard it. POW!! I'd hate to be him right now. The thing that made it even worse was that it was his second shot of the day. If the first one didn't neuter him, the second one surely powdered everything in his man-purse.

Jcho took one, too, claiming it hit him in the thigh (whatever!), but the real story here was TC.

Tournament total: 17

It's been a banner year for pill action. We've certainly lived up to the name. We've got one more game and possibly two to get that total over twenty.

Focus!

Day 9 Action!

2007-09-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

Four games. We've never done it before. We've never even tried it before!

There was way too much action to actually give you the blow by blow, so I'll just put some thoughts in here...

Game 1:
Beetledouche vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

Some folks thought this might be a matchup for the championship. Not to be, but still a hot game. Jonny's dealt with this pressure before and Ryan still sported his headband, but Morgan attempted far fewer slams and was much more successful than earlier in the tournament. Hmm... Jcho was Jcho. What can you say? Could Hairbags rally from their first round defeat and make it all the way through the Loser's Bracket?

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 21, Beetledouche: 14

Game 2:
Hot Buzz vs. Wax Off

JBrown: Is he crazier now that he's had a kid? Do we need to keep an eye on him? Is his little red choo-choo chugging around the corner? Should someone that unhinged be responsible for a tiny, helpless baby? I'm not talking about Mike Brunet. I'm talking about Chase Brown. FYI.

Overheard: "Tom Collins does not have the Eye of the Tiger." Could be, but Blaise has enough tiger for two. Despite their best efforts, Wax Off goes home.

Hot Buzz: 21, Wax Off: 18

Game 3:
Hot Buzz vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

What does a juggernaut look like? It looks like the alien offspring of Jcho and Morgan Loomis, half Earthling, half Moonman. I quickly lost track of the score (even though we pestered Jance to shout out the score after nearly every point) and thought this was much closer than it was. I did a double take when it was over. Couldn't believe it.

Rally Chimp: "It's over?!?"
Brian: "Yeah, dude!"
Rally Chimp: "What was the score??"
Brian: "21-11."
Rally Chimp: "Oh, shit. I thought it was only like 11 to 8 or something."

Like a hot knife through soft butter.

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 21, Hot Buzz: 11

Game 4:
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. Muffintops

Ye gods. The Wonder Twins: Vanquished! Muffintops were everybody's All-American, the teens loved them, and the Pong Gods seemed to smile upon them. They garnered most of the votes in every "Who Do You Think Will Win?" poll we conducted. Fan favorites throughout, the 'tops were cut down by the two teams who would eventually meet in the Finals. If there's any consolation in defeat, that's it. It took the top two teams to knock you out.

And would you look at that score? Can anyone beat Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags at this point?

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 21, Muffintops: 8

Bracket Update!

2007-09-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! It's the Championship Pair!

Friday's Games

2007-09-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

So, JBrown blew us out of the water today. No games, as you noticed. Tomorrow is a different story. We're going to play through all of the games necessary to get us a winner in the Loser's Bracket. Come next Wednesday, we're going to play the Championship Pair. Tense!

Game 1:
Beetledouche vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

Game 2:
Hot Buzz vs. Wax Off

Game 3:
Winner of Game 1 vs. Winner of Game 2

Game 4:
Winner of Game 3 vs. Muffintops

Whoa. That's a lot of games. Please be prompt!

Ross, Out! Smith, In!

2007-09-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Brian Smith is new tournament photographer, even though he used Ross' camera. Here are his latest:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Pill Count

2007-09-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

Today's pill count is brought to you by the letter "J". Our recipients today were Jance, Jess (by his own teammate!), and the JParm 5000. Nice work out there, boys. Now let's see if we can get some other letters involved. It's a big alphabet.

Tournament total: 14

Wrong Again!

2007-09-26T17:41:00.001-07:00

Kane is not in yet. I thought he was taking a reasonable break from the office, but apparently he's turned it into a sabbatical instead of a vacation.

I hear he's back next week.

Day 8 Action!

2007-09-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Hola, amigos!

Game 1:

Sturgeonface vs. Wax Off

Mob mentality is an interesting thing. How it came to be that Wax Off became the villain is up for debate, but what you can't really argue is that everyone wants them to lose. Every point they get is greeted with silence. Every point they lose is cause for a parade, complete with elephants, a 100-piece marching band, jugglers, floats, and scantily clad cheerleaders.

Scantily clad cheerleaders....mmmm...

Ok, hey. Back to the games. Right.

Umm...

My train of thought has gone completely off the rails here, but the game was exciting, Sturgeonface gave it their all, and Wax Off lives to be taunted another day. And Jim Brown is insane.

Wax Off: 21, Sturgeonface: 16

Game 2:

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. Q-Balls

This might have been the most anticipated matchup to date. Q and Joel, Jcho and Morgan. All heavy hitters, all wily pongers, all smoove, suave, and suffocated. Or something.

I throw this question out to the masses: what got into Morgan that he felt that every shot had to be a full-body slam? It was astounding! As superfan Brian Smith pointed out, it was as if he started winding up at Tenth Street, came down the block, and by the time he reached the table, he was running at full tilt. Jesu Christo!

Anyway, this one seemed to be getting over pronto as Hairbags charged out to a quick 7-1 lead, making Q-Balls look useless in the process. Jcho dominated serve completely and Morgan only got to hit one ball out of the first eight. Whoa.

I don't know what happened next, but the tables were turned 180 degrees. Q-Balls stayed cool and came back quickly and took the lead, to the point where Hairbags was now in danger of elimination. There wasn't a single rally that continued past three hits. Every point was nearly instantaneous and the scores soared at record pace. It was a race to the finish, neck and neck for the last three or four points! 18-18. 19-19. 20-19...

Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags: 21, Q-Balls: 19

Let's give Joel Friesch a round of applause as he leaves our tournament for the last time. He's a hard competitor and has played in every tournament since their inception. He takes one championship with him, his name immortalized on the trophy. Best of luck in your travels, Joel.

Game 3:

Muffintops vs. SILF

Raise your hands: how many of you picked SILF to be in the final Winner's Bracket pair? Alright, those with your hands up are lying. You picked Q-Balls, you picked Muffintops, you picked Hot Buzz, and you picked Hairbags, but you did not pick SILF, even with the newly refurbished JParm 5000 firmly in place. Now, out of the none of you that had them in the final pair, how many of you had them winning the Winner's Bracket? Now you've got it right. The answer is none.

SILF is clearly the surprise of the tournament. Even under the bright lights of Centre Court, they stayed very cool. Muffintops, on the other hand, were very tight today. Wtf? Perhaps it was too much braggadocio on their part in the build up to the game and the possible weight of expectations, but they were gripping the paddles very tightly on that side of the table. SILF built an early lead and held onto it throughout the game. Around 17-12 or so, you could see the blank looks in Muffintops eyes. Even they knew that they'd let this one slip away.

SILF: 21, Muffintops: 15

Congratulations to SILF as the champions of the Winner's Bracket. They now await an opponent from the Loser's Bracket to face in the Championship Pair.

Kirk Count

2007-09-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a tournament related visit, but it was a visit nonetheless, so it gets counted here. Having my desk moved three blocks and three buildings away slowed him down a little, but didn't stop him. Kirk is like death and taxes: Inevitable.

Tournament total: 7

Salvo Of The Day

2007-09-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ouch! In a bit of pre-game one-ups-manship, Sturgeonface Geoff Wheeler came up with this dandy of a Photoshopping for Wax Off opponent Mike Brunet.

Zing!

Tell 'Em What They've Won, Bob!

2007-09-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

That's right, we've got prizes, folks. You know 'em, you love 'em, it's the Thunderbirds. Virgil and Alan Tracy, protecting the Earth through International Rescue, now shrunk down to desktop size for our tournament winners. These Wacky Wobblers will become your best friends as they are truly Yes Men, nodding their heads in the affirmative for every leading question you ask.

"Am I the best pong player in the world?"

The Tracys say, "Yes!"

To the victor go the spoils...

Could It Be?

2007-09-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

Someone said that Kane is back in this week. If that's true, you best bring your singles and twenties. He's in the red for the tournament and is going to want to scratch his way back to profit. This benefits you, because there's nothing more careless than a desperate bettor.

Get in on that action. It's easy money, folks.

Seriously?

2007-09-25T10:58:00.001-07:00

Is nobody going to vote for Beetledouche to be champs? Are the Muffintops really the team to beat? Steven Q and Joel only get one vote? SILF only has two wins, but they're a heavy favorite: have they earned it?

So many questions to be answered. So many people who haven't voted. Participate in the poll and sway public opinion! Think of the power you wield!

This week is the last week, players. It's going to be a mad dash to the finish. Three games per day, every day. Wednesdsay, Thursday, Friday. Bring your "A" game, because losers go home. There is no Double Loser's Bracket. Every game, with the exception of two, is an elimination game. Winners continue, losers can commiserate with all the previously ousted teams and dream of next year. So sad.

Get it on!

Hola, Mexico!

2007-09-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, now! I was just checking the Sitemeter visitor statistics for our site and saw that we have a fan in Mexico! Fucking A!

Either that or he accidentally wound up here somehow. Either way, bienvenidos, amigo!

Wednesday's Games

2007-09-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Be prompt!

Game 1:
Wax Off vs. Sturgeonface

Game 2:
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. Q-Balls

Game 3:
Muffintops vs. SILF

The excitement is built right in! The winner of Game 3 is the winner of the Winner's Bracket!

New Poll!

2007-09-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

The results of our first poll had Muffintops as the favorites, garnering 26% of the votes. Runner up was Hot Buzz with 15% and Wax Off with 12%. Surprise Winner's Bracket semi-finalists SILF only scored 7%. Now that we've had a slew of eliminations, I thought it might be time for another poll.

Who's left? Who's got the best chance? Who's the favorite now?

Cast your vote in the poll to the right!

Teams remaining:

Beetledouche
Muffintops
SILF
Hot Buzz
Wax Off
Sturgeonface
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags
Q-Balls

Team Profile: Eddy & The Boozers

2007-09-21T17:10:00.001-07:00

The pairing of Jeremie Talbot and Austin Eddy brings us our least imaginative team name. In the words of my good buddy Billy Bob Thornton, "They can't all be winners." Words to live by.

The bad news is that, despite fighting the good fight, the Boozers were out after two games. The other bad news is that Jeremie hasn't been back to the finals since his narrow defeat two years ago. The good news is that Austin is now battle tested and knows exactly what he's in for next year.

Huzzah!

Team Profile: Jew Magix

2007-09-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

By the power of Grayskull, I give you Jew Magix! The devlishly wicked combination of Stephen Wong and Michael "Clemmy" Clemens unleashed their wizardry on an unsuspecting hoard of ill-prepared opponents...only to be vanquished far earlier than the bettors might have anticipated.

Thanks for playing, gents.

(Finally got through a posting regarding this team with no Jew-related commentary. Yeah!)

Bracket Update!

2007-09-21T16:15:00.001-07:00

You can see the excitement right here on the chart!

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Kane still out. One more week. He'll be back in plenty of time to make bank. Keep your singles handy. Stay away from the strip clubs this weekend. If you can, of course.

Tournament total: -$4

Pill Count

2007-09-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

Bo-o-o-o-o-o-ring.

Zero pill shots today. Aside from the games themselves, zero excitement.

Tournament total: 11

Day 7 Action!

2007-09-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm hoarse! I swear, I barely keep track of the games. I'm just there to scream my @#$ head off. It helps that I sit next to Brian Smith. Keeps the volume up.

Celebrities of note at today's matches:

Eric Leven
Chris Paizis
John K
Tom Schelesny
Frank Petzold

Game 1:

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags vs. Jew Magix

YEAH!

The crowd was in very full throat today.

"Jew!!!!"
"Jchooooooo!!!"
"John Kaaaaaaaay!!!"
"Net!! NET!!"

It didn't matter who we were yelling for or what we were yelling about, as long as there was something coming out of our mouths at top volume. The ear-splitting sound levels were really impressive. I saw six people with a trail of blood out of their ears and one with a big wet spot in the pillular area. That's excitement!

Jcho looked a little evil today. Did anyone notice that? That might be of some interest as the tournament continues, as Jew Magix falls out of the Loser's Bracket.

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags: 21, Jew Magix: 16

Game 2:

Eddy & The Boozers vs. Wax Off

"Jim Brown is a drunken ape!"
- Brian Smith

He was right. Someone put crank in his coffee, meth in his cookies, or ants in his pants. The kid was out of control, almost to the point of getting the @#$ kicked out of him by his own teammate! Ah, you see, though, it was all part of a dastardly plan. A Master Plan, if you will. Once the Boozers went ahead 14-10, Jimbo initially panicked, but then switched his brains on. He felt that if he took Jeremie out of Serious Mode, Wax Off might have a chance. Jeremie plays well when he's focused, apparently, and less so when he smiles. JBrown really took it for the team here, as he made himself look like an ass, but helped his team to victory.

Wow.

Great game, though. Ten tons of fun on a bun, even without the wacky antics.

Wax Off: 21, Eddy & The Boozers: 17

Game 3:

Muffintops vs. Beetledouche

Yeah, dudes! To this point, this was the most anticipated game of the tournament. Muffintops had defeated Q-Balls in the first "most anticipated game" and came away victorious, anointing them as The Team To Beat. Beetledouche came in with their headband and their Jonny Tal, looking to steal the spotlight.

This game lived up to the hype. After a sonic letdown in Game 2, the crowd screwed it's lungs back in and brought the sound and fury again. Every point was an experience in Eardrum Compression Torture, even on the boring points where nothing really happened. When the tension was thick and the rally long, dear sweet Baby New Year I could barely hear myself think. It was so loud, in fact, that I could barely hear Brian shouting right next to me. The pong table was in a state of constant vibration from the oscillations of the sound waves tearing around Centre Court. I'm guessing that I wasn't the only one who needed to recalibrate his pancreas after this game. Jean Shen kept her hand clamped over her mouth in order to keep the pressure in her body equalized in contrast to the extremely high concentration of sonic power being generated. League Scoreboard Jance Rubinchik somehow managed to focus enough to maintain the rudimentary mathematical skills required to accurately tally the scores.

Goodness gracious, it's amazing that the retractable dome over Centre Court didn't come crashing down, pulverizing us all to smithereens.

Muffintops: 21, Beetledouche: 18

Blaise Says

2007-09-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

"For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed."

That would be Blaise Pascal, not Blaise Panfalone. Blaise Panfalone said something entirely different, mostly regarding today's matchups, but if you want to know what he thinks, you'll have to ask him, since I promised not to repeat anything he said today.

In related news, Blaise Pascal invented roulette while trying to develop a perpetual motion machine. He also created the world's first mechanical calculator. Both of these inventions had tremendous implications with regards to gambling and I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Bring your singles! Just because Kane's out doesn't mean you can't cash in.

Team Profile: Scottish

2007-09-20T11:53:00.001-07:00

The partnership of Chuck Duke (strangely not playing on the team that bears his name) and Joe Engelke was like mercury: tough to get a handle on. Joe was nervous for his first ever tournament game, but righted the ship for the second. We've seen what Chuck can do, but alas, we'll never know how good they could have been with some time together under their belts.

Scottish, we hardly knew ye.

Today's Games

2007-09-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Holy @#$. We're making good time now.

Game 1:
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Wax Off

Game 3:
Beetledouche vs. Muffintops

Two elimination games and one titanic matchup. Heavy, heavy action.

Bracket Update!

2007-09-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Up to the moment!

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

The casino is closed. Kane is out for two weeks on vacation and the action was dead. I heard Ryan looking for action at one point, but there were absolutely no takers.

It's a sad day for compulsive gamblers. Kane will remain stalled at his present total for a while.

Tournament total: -$4

Pill Count

2007-09-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

A red-letter day for pill fans. Ryan had one, Blaise had one, and Jeremie had two! Zounds! How can he still be walking. Perhaps he's not. Maybe he's curled under his desk, waiting for feeling to return.

Tournament total: 11

Day 6 Action!

2007-09-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Is it really only Day 6? Seems longer than that, but whatever. Here we are, exactly where we are meant to be.

Game 1:

Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

It was windy today and, of course, someone complained about it. Of all the things I can control, "weather" is not on the list. Actually, it's a really short list. One item: Nothing. Put that in your existential pipe and smoke it.

Anyway, it looked like a sweet matchup here. Blazin' Paddles vs. the Kosher Kaiser. TC vs. Stephen Wong, who has no nickname. (Leave your nickname ideas in the comments section.) This one, as they say, had all the makings...on paper.

As per history, the non-Gentile Giant took half the game to wake up his paddle. Blaise whistled slams way too high and way too low. TC's paddle turned to Jell-O brand gelatin at some points, making returns ineffective. Stephen Wong just tried to stay out of Clemmy's way, costing him some points. The leads went up and down like a roller coaster, with Hot Buzz finally pulling away, but not before Blaise took one in the pill case (and true to this year's tournament form, insisting that it hit him in the hip).

Hot Buzz: 21, Jew Magix: 15

Game 2:

Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Finally, the Boozers' first game. We were dying to see what Austin Eddy brought to the pitch. Was he accurate? Streaky? Was his flow heavy or light? Who knew?

Just like the first game, this thing was all over the place. Ryan, bless his headband, could not keep the ball anywhere near the table and even got conked in the dice once. Jonny was shooting blanks 50% of the time. Jeremie was having a similar success rate. Austin acquitted himself just fine for a guy under the pressure of Centre Court for the first time, but still, lots of points left out on the table. Was it the wind? Really? You wish. Everyone was just a bit off today, I guess, but at least that made things exciting. The scores were tight for the most part, but today was Beetledouche's day. Jeremie wound things up with a bang by completely fanning on the final point of the day, allowing the ball to connect for his second pilling of the match.

Beetledouche: 21, Eddy & The Boozers: 16

Game 3:

Hot Buzz vs. SILF

It finally seemed that the players warmed up. Very exciting game! The scores were so even throughout that we had our first deuce of the tournament. Yahoo! Blaise was ripping some slams. The JParm 5000 needed some slight recalibration mid-game, but played a very strong match. Tom Collins played some steady-as-she-goes pong. The key, in my estimation, was Hans. The guy played great! Very few missed shots. He was hitting to Blaise and most folks figured that Blaise would be ripping slam after slam, but it was not to be. Hans had a high rate of return (unlike most checking accounts) and some good location. He kept Blaise moving, which might have been the key. He couldn't set his feet.

Anyway, on to deuce we go!

First serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Second serve...
Crowd: "Dooooooooce!"

Third serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Fourth serve...
Crowd: "Dooooooooce!"

Fifth serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Sixth serve...

SILF: 24, Hot Buzz: 22

Team Profile: Lady Berries

2007-09-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

This profile is a little late, since Lady Berries has already been eliminated, but the team of Kirk Larkins and two-time former Champion Jean Shen is still worthy of notice.

For those of you unsure what lady berries are, click here. All will be illuminated.

Anyone Else Feel Like We Haven't Played A Game In Weeks?

2007-09-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

Oof.

Today's matchups...

Game 1:
Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Game 3:
SILF vs. Game 1 winner

Team Profile: Sturgeonface

2007-09-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Does this lively little fellow to the right look familiar? He should, because he's disguised as either Geoff or Jance! Skinny, scaly mofos wearing glasses; that's Sturgeonface!

Ok, they're not scaly, as far as I know, but they do wear glasses. Geoff and Jance, that is. Their team mascot, the proud sturgeon himself, is most definitely scaly.

I don't know where this post is going, so I'll just stop. Just know this: Sturgeonface - still alive.

Massive Tournament Stall!

2007-09-13T17:21:00.001-07:00

Due to the absence of Tom Collins and Jeremie Talbot this week, our bracket is currently stalled until their return. I know, I know, but don't blame me. Well, maybe a little, since I'm only here three days a week, but we still would have burned through all our available games this week by now.

When those two chuckleheads get back in a working mood, I'd like to try to get in three games a day. We've got a couple of players mere weeks away from completing their tours of duty here and I would like to give everyone the opportunity to be a champion. If my calculations are correct, we may just be able to finish this thing in two week's time if we cram in three per day.

The good news is that more games equals more excitement, so that's a good thing.

Please try to be on time and ready to play on your day. You may be called on to play two in one day, but that's how it goes sometimes.

In light of all of the above, here are next Wednesday's games:

Game 1:
Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Game 3:
SILF vs. the winner of Game 1

Please let me know if there's any conflict. Thanks.

Updated Bracket

2007-09-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Up to the nanosecond!

Who's In? Who's Out?

2007-09-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone is still in except for the following three teams, who have notched two tournament losses:

Scottish
Lady Berries
Velveeta Manwich

In contrast, neither Jeremie Talbot nor Austin Eddy has played a single point! That's what you get when half your team is out of town for an entire week of play. I guess they will always be able to say, "We were in the tournament longer than those other chumps!"

I'd be more gracious about it, myself, but I don't know about those two. They seem pretty hardcore.

Pill Count

2007-09-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

We had one near miss today. Will lofted a beauty which just seemed to keep carrying towards Mike B's peanuts, but according to Beetledouche player/coach Jonny Tal, a near miss was as close as we'd get. Not for lack of trying, though. Once the outcome of the game was pretty well secured, Mike B shifted his priority from winning to pilling Will. Not to be.

Tournament total: 7

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-13T17:09:00.001-07:00

Woo hoo! Kane back up on top! $2 coming in and none going out. It's a shame that he might have finally swung momentum, since he'll be out of town for two weeks. The Bank of Kane is closed until late September. I have a hunch that the tournament will still be in full swing when he returns, giving Kane one last opportunity to get into the black.

Tournament total: -$4

Day 5 Action!

2007-09-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Velveeta Manwich vs. Wax Off

Well, let's set the stage here for a moment. In a previous post, JBrown had called out Gibby for the ultimate hair challenge. If Manwich won, then JBrown was going to shave his head completely, cue ball style (not Q-Ball). If Wax Off won, then Gibby was going to let his hair grow until Halloween. That's roughly 48 days, which is ironic, since that's how long it would take for JBrown's hair to grow in long enough that he wouldn't be socially repellent.

The stakes were obviously high....

But not high enough for Will to take things seriously! I think you can fill in the blank of, "Will Groebe is the Clown Prince of ______," with just about anything and be accurate. The Clown Prince of Pong. The Clown Prince of Animation. The Clown Prince of Mechanical Bull Riding. See how it works universally? Try one yourself now, see if it doesn't hold true.

Once the game finally got underway, the crowd was obviously behind Manwich. They wanted a shaving, not a growing. I can't be certain whether they were pro-Brown-humiliation instead of pro-Gibby-humiliation or whether a shaving is just so much more instant gratification, but every point Wax Off garnered was an opportunity for the masses to exercise their right to boo.

Unfortunately for the skinhead fans, they had plenty of reason to boo.

Wax Off: 21, Velveeta Manwich: 15

Velveeta Manwich has been eliminated and Gibby has 48 days to think about what he's done.

Sweaty Tal, Sweaty Tal!

2007-09-13T16:55:00.001-07:00

Sweaty Tal, in a photo taken very shortly after taking his second shot to the pills the other day, which no doubt triggered his sweaty glands.

Kirk Count

2007-09-13T15:17:00.001-07:00

Well, he didn't actually stop by my desk, but he called my desk phone to tell me to check my email, which I already do 100 times a day as it's a major part of my job. It seems that he'd sent me a mail that couldn't wait another minute, in spite from the fact that it could have waited until tomorrow. I count this as a visit.

Tournament total: 6

I have a spy phone which tells you who is calling you before you pick up. Next time I see his name, I'm just going to count it here and leave the phone on the hook.

Thud!

2007-09-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

The sound of a heavy gauntlet hitting the floor! Check this action out!

If Wax Off loses today then I, Jim Brown, will shave my head tomorrow at center court.

However, if Wax Off wins, then Tom Gibbons will have to grow out his hair for 48 days. No haircuts until Halloween!!!

Are you in Gibbons?

Cheers.

- Jim Brown

Holy cats. That's intense! And how does it affect Kane's wagerings?

The Chart

2007-09-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

There seems to be some sort of concurrent something or another going on that involves a big grid, some names, and whatnots. I'm not officially sure what it is, if you know what I mean, but for those of you who have an interest in such things, here is a photo of the chart.

Perhaps someone can explain it to me someday.

*Ahem*

One Game Today

2007-09-13T11:37:00.001-07:00

Hello and welcome to Thursday, or as I like to call it, The Day Either Wax Off or Velveeta Manwich Goes Home!

Today's game:

Wax Off vs. Velveeta Manwich

See you at 4:30!

Bracket Update!

2007-09-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Up to the microsecond!

This Really Happened

2007-09-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

Team Photographer Ross Nakamura was able to snap this pic at the precise moment that the Fabric of Reality bent.

Holy cats and dogs!!

Team Photographer Elected!

2007-09-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

By virtue of the fact that he's taken photos and delivered them to me, Ross Nakamura is the Official Pills Of Fury team photographer! I'll be trickling out doses of his photographic excellence over the course of the event.

Hello, visual documentation!

Salaam: Boy Scout

2007-09-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

What other explanation could there be for his complete preparedness for Friday's pong madness?

Two words: Original Recipe!

Click that chicken to see it bigger.

The Celebrity Spokesmodel Smiles

2007-09-12T17:41:00.001-07:00

Things are going very nicely, very nicely indeed. Ed Grimley is very pleased.

Ding!

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-12T17:22:00.002-07:00

Kane got thrashed again today. Holy cats, the guy is bleeding money. $7 out and $2 in for a daily total of -$5.

Tournament total: -$6

Pill Count

2007-09-12T17:22:00.001-07:00

Will took a very nice crack to the walnuts today, although he tried to convince us that he turned his hip at the last moment. Right.

Superfan Patrick Danaher also was a recipient today. It was game point of the last game off a mighty ricochet. Pow!

Tournament total: 7

Day 4 Action!

2007-09-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Lady Berries vs. Q-Balls

Three of the heaviest hitters in the tournament facing each other in an elimination game this early in the tournament? Who had that in the pool? Nobody. Kirk was there, too. Don't forget that.

Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!!

What the heck was that?! I'll tell you. That was the sound of Lady Berries storming out to a 5-1 advantage. Holy cats and dogs! This game is getting over quickly!

Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-poww!!

Whoa. My head is spinning. What in the name of the Great Egg was that?!? Unfortunately for Lady Berries, that was the sound of Q-Balls ripping off a 16-2 run to put themselves up 17-7. Ye gods. Joel took the opportunity to practice some slams, safe in the knowledge that their ten-point lead would hold.

It did, eventually.

Q-Balls: 21, Lady Berries: 15

Game 2:

Velveeta Manwich vs. Jew Magix

All the religious groups were represented at the table for this game (assuming that Gibby is Hindu, as I suspect). The only question here today was which god would smile on which team. Manwich rushed out to a quick lead as Harry Hannukah forgot to wake up Clemmy. Buddha abandoned Stephen Wong for a while as he tried to shake off the rust. Ganesh was rocking the court as Gibby and Will were about to usher in a Great Convergence at the beginning of a New Age.

Alas, the sleeping giant awoke and Stephen found his happy center and the Magix pulled ahead. Neither team could gain a firm foothold on the lead as both sides went on four or five point mini-runs throughout the game, keeping things interesting as a multitude of deities battled in the heavens for ping pong supremacy. As the Greeks used to say, "By all the gods!!!"

In the end, Will and Gibby turned out to be more Velveeta than Manwich. Apparently the collection plates in their churches were a little light this week.

Jew Magix: 21, Velveeta Manwich: 18

Most Destructive Pill Shot Ever!

2007-09-12T17:01:00.001-07:00

If you were there, you saw it and had one thought going through your head: "I'm glad that wasn't me." The next thought might have been, "I can't see Jcho..."

The game between Scottish and Sturgeonface was going along just fine until one of the Sturgeons whipped a really tasty cross-court shot. Chuck Duke got up a full head a steam and fully committed to making the return...

The thing you need to know about Chuck is that he's a big man. Not heavy or anything like that, but just...he's got a big frame. He just seems huge!

Anyway, Chuck, at top speed took off after the ball and didn't stop until he'd plowed through Jcho's chest and carried him along with him through the rose bush, coming to rest after the brick wall stopped his forward progress. The sandwich looked something like this:

1. Brick wall
2. Rose bush
3. Jcho
4. Chuck Duke

Once Jcho was finally extricated from his thorny predicament, he was left bleeding and needed his right lung reinflated.

Hats off to Jcho. Holy cats.

Day 3 Action!

2007-09-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Best day of pong ever. EVER! Really good games, an overstimulated crowd looking for blood (and getting it - more on that later), and three games! Top shelf. Let's get to it.

Game 1:

Beetledouche vs. Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags

If you check the poll in the green column to the right, you'll see that neither of these teams have garnered a lot of pre-game attention as possible champs, which is surprising. Jcho has the Asian angle (and let's be honest, the white people respond to that), Jonny Tal is a past champion, Morgan Loomis is from the Moon, and Ryan Hood was wearing a headband, Tenenbaum-style. There were plenty of good, consistent players on the court and the play ultimately reflected that.

Since I'm about five days behind on this posting, I'll cut the hyperbole and get right to it: the crowd was apoplectic. It was as if some mad scientist sprayed everyone with a mystery fluid and then announced that the only way to survive the dousing was to scream as if your life depended on it. Amazing. I was lightheaded and deaf. Jim Brown ripped off quite a few quality bursts of, "Jonny Tal, Jonny Tal!!" Jcho played to the crowd. Ryan never smiled. Not once. I was counting. Great times ahoy. Plenty of hot pong action to boot, giving people a legitimate reason to get excited. The game was pleasantly close the entire way.

Beetledouche: 21, Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags: 17

Jonny Tal triumphantly walked off Centre Court a bit too carelessly and dislodged the net, turning a round of victory applause into a torrent of boos. Fickle crowd! Jonny was forced to screw his courage back on long enough to fix the wonky apparatus with the eyes of the world watching and all of the vitriol that several dozen VFX artists could bring forth.

Anyway, on to...

Game 2:

Lady Berries vs. SILF

Game 1 was great. How would Game 2 stack up? We'd seen Kirk miraculously make it to the second round of the Winner's Bracket (read that last part again to let it sink in), but hadn't seen SILF do anything yet. Had anyone actually seen Hans play? Was he any good? The JParm 5000 was online, but could he carry the whole team?

The spectators were treated to another terrific match. Lots of smashed balls, lots of speed on the table, lots of fun, fun, fun. Each team battled for what little lead they could get until the opposition took it back. Hans, I think, was the difference-maker, though. JParm and Jean were their usual tip-top selves and Kirk stood his ground, but Hans made some nice plays and a beauty of a smash that may have just been what was necessary to put SILF over the top.

SILF: 21, Lady Berries: 18

Game 3:

This was a first. I can't recall ever having played three in one day and it almost didn't happen here. The whole of Scottish was difficult to find. Chuck was there, then he wasn't. Then he appeared and disappeared to find Joe and eventually they both emerged, ready for battle. And they really were ready! Shaking off their first round jitters, the played loose and with confidence. Sturgeonface seemed a little stunned, perhaps, and took some time to get loose and warmed up. Perhaps they play their best with their backs to the wall, because once the scores passed the midway point, Sturgeonface played consistently well enough to pull away and end Scottish's chances of an upset victory.

Sturgeonface: 21, Scottish: 17

Pill Count

2007-09-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Unprecedented pill activity on Friday! It was an avalanche of neuterings!

Ryan Hood took a singular beating.

Jean Shen took one pillular hit.

Jonny Tal did the right thing and absorbed two hits, firing off his sweat glands later in the game.

Tournament total: 5

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Kane seems to be doing better this year when he's not present at Centre Court. He was out for a long weekend and missed Friday's games, but still won $2 through his agent, Brian Smith. $2 in, zero out.

Tournament total: -$1

He's still in the red, therefore desperate. Pounce on his misfortune!

Kirk Count

2007-09-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

Kirk didn't stop by today and it's going to be even harder from here on out, since my location is in another building as of today. He's really going to have to work to get the count higher.

Tournament total: 5

Updated Bracket

2007-09-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Live! Up to the second!

Kirk Count

2007-09-07T09:56:00.001-07:00

Kirk stopped by yesterday to thank me for running the tournament, but I really think it was a visit to pump up the Kirk Count. I'll only give that trip a half a point since it was a little bogus.

Later on he did a drive by to tell Brian and I how retarded we were. He didn't actually stop at my desk, but I'll give that one a half a point, too, since he was incredibly sincere about our idiocy.

Tournament total: 5

Friday's Games

2007-09-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

It'll be so nice, we'll play two!

Game 1:
Beetledouche vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

Game 2:
SILF vs. Lady Berries

See you there, Centre Court.

Bracket Update

2007-09-06T17:34:00.001-07:00

Current, up to the minute!

Pill Count

2007-09-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

One. One lousy pill shot today and it was on the last point of the last game. Thankfully it hit Gibson, so I can go home with a faint song in my heart.

Tournament total: 1

Perhaps the over-enthusiastic pairing of Jonny T and Ryan Hood will bring us more smashed nads tomorrow.

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

Kane got absolutely manhandled today. $4 going out, $2 coming in for a net of -$2. He was lucky it wasn't worse.

Tournament total: -$3

If there was ever a time to bulk up your vacation fund, it's now. Kane's two year run of gold has come to an end.

Day 2 Action!

2007-09-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Game 1:

Sturgeonface vs. Lady Berries

It was obvious from the first serve who the fan favorites were. Every time the ball went to Kirk, the crowd squealed his name with delight. "Kirko! Kirko! Kirko!" It was as if he was playing by himself, as Jean seemed to be completely ignored.

This game was tight, tight, tight! By my account, nobody was able to scratch out a lead higher than two points at any time. Every shot carried the drama of hopes and dreams. Strangely, though, one question was growing larger and larger in my brain until I could no longer ignore it.

If the game is this close, how could I be so bored?

I can't recall many shots resembling slams. I don't remember a lot of heated rallies. I have no recollection of any bang-bang-bang plays. This, ye fans, was a prime example of what we call Plinktastic Pong.

The phrase was partially coined by Mike B two years ago and it's used to describe table tennis that sounds like this:

plink
plink
plink
plink
plink...

The shots go back and forth with little authority and even less urgency. How could this be, in a game featuring reigning champion and Smash Queen Jean Shen? Beats me. The high point was when Kane animatedly observed, "Kirk's making the sturgeonface against Sturgeonface!" We hoped this might cause a tear in the fabric of reality, if only to give us something legitimate to get excited about.

The game progressed logically to it's pre-determined point total, I yawned, and one of the new compers farted dust.

Ho hum.

Lady Berries: 21, Sturgeonface: 17

Game 2:

Scottish vs. Muffintops

Speaking of ho hum...

Perhaps the long layoff was too much for Chuck Duke. Maybe The Bedazzler, his beloved paddle, out of retirement for the first time in two years, was a bit rusty, too. Maybe Joe's hat really wasn't that lucky after all, as Petey opined. Maybe Muffintops were just too much man. I don't know.

I won't go on and on here. I'll just note that this was the lowest scoring game I've ever seen.

Get thee to practice, Scottish!

Muffintops: 21, Scottish: 5

I'd like to see tomorrow's participants put a little more heart into it. We'll blame today's malaise on the inclement weather, but we can't use that excuse two days in a row!

Kirk Count

2007-09-06T12:08:00.001-07:00

Busy day today.

Tournament total: 4

Bracket Update

2007-09-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

If you can read this, you've been eating your carrots. Well played.

It'll get bigger if you click it.

Kirk Count

2007-09-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's not really a pill count, but then again, maybe it is. I'm going to be counting all the pong-related Kirk visits to my cubicle.

Tournament total: 3

Today's Games

2007-09-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Due to injuries to two players, we've got one First Round game and one Second Round game.

Game 1:
Lady Berries vs. Sturgeonface

Game 2:
Scottish vs. Muffintops

Get it on!

Team Profile: Velveeta Manwich

2007-09-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

The team of Will Groebe and Tom Gibbons is definitely the wackiest in the tournament. Each brings their own brand of comedy to the table and together the sum is bigger than the parts. I'd have a tough time picking two more diametrically opposed individuals without going to the Geoff Wheeler/Todd Labonte cop-out. I believe that the levels of Intentional Comedy and Unintentional Comedy will be off the charts when these two hit the court.

In related news, someone mispronounced their team name yesterday as "Velveeta Manchu," which is also diabolically funny.

Raccoons

2007-09-06T10:11:00.001-07:00

When I got out to my truck this morning, I found that it had been manhandled like a cheap whore during the night. It was covered with streaks of mud and footprints. The outboard mirrors were all cocked up. Seems that one or more raccoons thought that trampling my vehicle might somehow lead to a big food payoff. They were wrong and now my truck looks like it's two steps away from being on blocks in the front yard. Nature's bandidos, those raccoons. Still, they're cute and I like them.

In contrast, Kirk decided to harass me this morning regarding whether his team was playing and, if they were, what team they were playing. Apparently his email is down since he felt it necessary to invade my cubicle to demand this information and he took more than one trip to do it. Why he needs this information so urgently this early in the morning I cannot guess. Perhaps he needs to rethink his strategy depending on his opponent. I haven't checked, but I have a hunch that there are muddy footprints and handprints all around my cube now.

All things considered, I prefer the muddy truck.

Pill Count

2007-09-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

In very disappointing news, there were no pill shots in today's games. A very unfortunate first day. JBrown got hit in the jowls and Q got hit in the nipple, but those hardly count.

Tournament total: 0

Let's focus a little more tomorrow, players.

The Gambler: Results

2007-09-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Kane was down $1 today, with $2 going out and $1 coming in.

Tournament total: -$1

Bring your singles tomorrow! Kane's obviously rusty, so an overabundance of bets could sink him early.

Day 1 Action!

2007-09-05T16:57:00.001-07:00

Hot diggety, let's play some pong!

Game 1:

Q-Balls vs. Muffintops

"I feel like I'm peaking at the right time."
- Joel

Great gosh a-mighty, I will never play in a pong tournament. Besides the fact that I'd be an albatross around my teammate's neck, I will tell you up front that I have no interest in dealing with the pressure. Did you hear that crowd? If you were there, you did. (David Gibson, tournament newbie, must have been been feeling Vibrational Colon Disorder, which, I can tell you, doesn't end well and is not treatable. You just have to ride it out.) It was loud. Petey was at his desk through break and he heard it all the up in the Grayson Attic. The opponents took their places and seemed to be calm and cool, but the truth came out really quickly.

Muffintops served first and Jess, the anarchist's anarchist, biffed the first two. Shtoink! Right off the edge of the table and straight up into the air. Perhaps if he was a nihilist he might have been less affected by nerves. After two more gifts to Q-Balls, Steven Q gave the Muffintops a charity point and we switched service at 4-1. Being the favorites, Q-Balls looked very much in control. Perhaps all the pre-game pro-Muffintops chatter was misplaced.

(This is the point in my write-up where you realize that you've been set up. Joel's opening quote, the two biffed serves, Gibson's digestive difficulty, the early lead by the favorites? Looks like it's going to be a crushing defeat for the Muffintops, eh? This is one of my few literary tricks, so get used to it. You'll see it again and again.)

But this is where things got interesting.

(See?)

The crowd was fully anticipating a Q-Balls victory. Expecting it, even. Even after Muffintops closed to within one on the following service, nobody paid it much mind. Even after Q-Balls fell behind 11-9, nobody questioned the inevitable victory. It's Q and Joel, right? Pfft! Game over. Jess was winning points off the serve, but he was so tightly wrapped and awkward-looking that Brian Smith said during one of Jess' offerings that, "He looks like a little Chinese girl!" They'd fall behind soon enough.

16-14, Muffintops. Hmm...

18-19, Muffintops. Whoa. What's this?!?

Deuce!! Ok, here we go. Here's where it ends for the 'Tops, si?

Jess serving. Q returns long! Advantage, 'Tops! Jess for game!

Muffintops: 22, Q-Balls: 20

I will say this without any fear of reprisal: Nobody saw that coming!!

Game 2:

Hot Buzz vs. Wax Off

In contrast, nobody knew what to make of this game. Could JBrown hold it together? ("He hasn't slept for three days!" boomed Will Groebe.) What kind of player was Tom Collins? We've seen Brunet win championships under extreme pressure, but we've also seen Blaise, one of the better hitters in the competition, get completely consumed by his own focus to the point of destruction. This one could go either way.

Hot Buzz went to work early, staking themselves to a tidy little lead. Wax Off was still getting their points, though, and this one was far from over. The crowd was very much involved, and the trash talking and performance anxiety could easily change the outcome. Everyone had some really nice shots and even Tom Collins ripped off a couple of authoritative slams. At this point, the quotable Brian Smith made a keen observation.

"Look at Jim Brown's face. He looks like he could be the actor in a constipation commercial."

All of us in that corner of Centre Court looked over and it was true. JBrown's mug was a picture of intensity, multiplied by fear, minus confidence, plus maybe a little of what Gibson was experiencing earlier with the colon and such. The man did not look comfortable back there.

Blaise and TC seemed to relax into the game at this point, while Mike B and JBrown seemed to get tighter and tighter until...

Hot Buzz: 21, Wax Off: 11

One day, two favorites relegated to the Loser's Bracket. Ye gods! What next?

Celebrity Sighting!

2007-09-05T15:22:00.001-07:00

Hey, isn't that Ed Grimley, son of Gloin?

Nice fella, I must say, I must say...

And it turns out that he's the Celebrity Spokemodel for this year's Tippett Studio Pong Tournament!

Fantastic!

What If...

2007-09-05T15:11:00.001-07:00

...someone invented a new style of pasta for men and called it "Testosteroni"?

Do you think Blaise would eat it? Mike B? Gibby, or have those days passed him by?

Jance Rubinchik: Service Breaker, Rule Maker

2007-09-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Take it away, Jance:

"In the interest of making this tournament go smoothly here are the official rules concerning rallying for serve.

The rally begins when the two teams have decided they have wasted enough time warming up.

Once the rally is won:

- The winning team can choose to serve or choose to give up the serve and choose the serving order instead
- If the winning team chooses to serve the losing team decides who will receive the serve

Basically the winning team decides which of the two advantages they prefer.

If this is not clear I can explain it in more detail to you directly and in such simple terms that even a Rally Chimp could understand what I'm saying.

Please do not send a million emails arguing this, this email is for clarification so everyone is on the same page. The reason for this is to create an incentive to win the rally, last year we had teams intentionally throwing the rally so they could set the order."

Jance is now a finalist for the Nobel Peace Prize for Pong.

Dateline, Berkeley: Special Report

2007-09-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

We've got some breaking news. Go ahead, Brian...

"Hello, Rally Chimp. I've heard a very shocking report this morning and all evidence appears to back up the initial eyewitness testimony. It seems that someone caught a very definitive red glint coming from the eye of the JParm 5000. If this is true, and by all accounts it is, we should all be prepared. The JParm 5000 is coming online....

Back to you, Chimp..."

Team Profile: SILF

2007-09-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

Lots of folks have been asking about this team. Most of the questions sound like this:

"What does SILF mean?"

It's a great question and the funny thing is that, even after the question has been answered, the asker tends to ask again because they cannot believe it. Their nimble minds can't quite get ahold of the simple concept.

So, for the sake of Jason Armstrong and Hans Brekke and everyone who still doesn't quite get it, here we go.

Q: What does SILF mean?
A: Sandwich I'd Like to....something or another.

Any further questions?

Click here to get your very own SILF T-shirt!

Panic In The Outhouse, by Rusty Zipper!

2007-09-05T10:18:00.001-07:00

Holy cats! Beetledouche can't go today!

Next matchup:

Hot Buzz vs. Wax Off

Are we a go?

Today's Matchups

2007-09-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to Day One!

Game 1:

Beetledouche vs. Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags

Game 2:

Muffintops vs. Q-Balls

See you at 4:30! Game on!

The World Loves Pong!

2007-08-31T11:47:00.000-07:00

What else could we deduce from the boffo box office results of the major motion picture release Balls Of Fury?

Check out these results!

Holy cats, that's a lot of dough! You'd love to have personal box office results like that.

Click here to view a trailer!

Scientists Toil For Days To Complete Bracket In Time

2007-08-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Or, as I like to call it, "Brian Smith went onto the internet and found a 13-team, double-elimination bracket."

This internet intrigues me....

Teams Announced!

2007-08-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know, maybe we'll wait until later...

Har dee har har.

Without any further nonsense, here are your Tippett Studio Pong Tournament 2007 teams:

Beetledouche:
Jonny Tal & Ryan Hood

Muffintops:
Jess Vickery & David Gibson

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags:
Morgan Loomis & Jeremy Cho

Hot Buzz:
Blaise Panfalone & Tom Collins

Sturgeonface:
Geoff Wheeler & Jance Rubinchik

Lady Berries:
Jean Shen & Kirk Larkins

Wax Off:
Mike Brunet & James Brown

Q-Balls:
Steven Q & Joel Friesch

Velveeta Manwich:
Will Groebe & Tom Gibbons

Eddy & The Boozers:
Jeremie Talbot & Austin Eddy

Jew Magix:
Michael Clemens & Stephen Wong

SILF:
Jason Armstrong & Hans Brekke

Scottish:
Chuck Duke & Joe Engelke

Good luck to all the competitors.

Lucky Number 13

2007-08-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Game back on! We got our final .5th person. It's our old friend Chuck Duke! Thirteen teams, in place, ready to go.

Welcome aboard, Chuck.

Not So Fast!

2007-08-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

Seems that Allan checked his shot schedule and his participation in our tournament took a massive hit. He regretfully must bow out of the competition.

We still need one more person! Who do you know?

Two More Players!

2007-08-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

Two late entries have brought our player total to a whopping 26! That means 13 teams, which is unheard of. I'm really curious to see how I can figure out what a 13-team double-elimination bracket looks like.

Please welcome Allan Gersten and Joe Engelke to the tournament!

Fare Thee Well, Joel Friesch

2007-08-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

As you likely know by now, Joel Friesch, Tippett Pong Tournament staple and esteemed colleague, is leaving us for the wilds of Marin County within a matter of weeks. As a result of this momentous occasion (and Ken Voss' big mouth for telling Joel that the tournament was dedicated to him), we dedicate this year's tournament to Joel.

When you see Joel, or defeat him, or get crushed and humiliated by his team, be gracious and thank him for all of his excellent work and his previously unwavering dedication to the studio.

Here's to Joel!

Pills!

2007-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sure, it's vulgar. I know it. You know it. What I also know, is that whenever someone takes a direct hit to the nards, we all laugh our heads off and hoot and holler like we're watching a fight at a hockey game. And it's ok to laugh! That's the nature of humanity. It's called slapstick and many a comedian has enjoyed a long and prosperous career doing nothing but.

In the spirit of vaudeville, Mack Sennett, and the silent era of film comedy, we will be keeping a running total of all the Pill Shots for the entire tournament. Check this box often to see how high we can go!

Kane Brassington Is 'The Gambler'

2007-08-30T14:07:00.001-07:00

It's tough to know how these things get started, but Kane's status as a master gambler is now legend. He's the guy that every young upstart comes into town looking to bring down. Everyone thinks they've got his number, right up until the point where Kane strides out of Centre Court counting his winnings. As a result of his prowess, ironically, he'll never lack for people to bet with since everyone wants to beat the champ. This year will be no different. Kane will be out there wagering up a storm during every game of the tournament this year. As always, we'll be keeping a running total here on the blog, just so you can see where your money's going.

Good luck!