Day 7 Action!

I'm hoarse! I swear, I barely keep track of the games. I'm just there to scream my @#$ head off. It helps that I sit next to Brian Smith. Keeps the volume up.

Celebrities of note at today's matches:

Eric Leven
Chris Paizis
John K
Tom Schelesny
Frank Petzold

Game 1:

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags vs. Jew Magix

YEAH!

The crowd was in very full throat today.

"Jew!!!!"
"Jchooooooo!!!"
"John Kaaaaaaaay!!!"
"Net!! NET!!"

It didn't matter who we were yelling for or what we were yelling about, as long as there was something coming out of our mouths at top volume. The ear-splitting sound levels were really impressive. I saw six people with a trail of blood out of their ears and one with a big wet spot in the pillular area. That's excitement!

Jcho looked a little evil today. Did anyone notice that? That might be of some interest as the tournament continues, as Jew Magix falls out of the Loser's Bracket.

Chuck Duke Presents, Hairbags: 21, Jew Magix: 16

Game 2:

Eddy & The Boozers vs. Wax Off

"Jim Brown is a drunken ape!"
- Brian Smith

He was right. Someone put crank in his coffee, meth in his cookies, or ants in his pants. The kid was out of control, almost to the point of getting the @#$ kicked out of him by his own teammate! Ah, you see, though, it was all part of a dastardly plan. A Master Plan, if you will. Once the Boozers went ahead 14-10, Jimbo initially panicked, but then switched his brains on. He felt that if he took Jeremie out of Serious Mode, Wax Off might have a chance. Jeremie plays well when he's focused, apparently, and less so when he smiles. JBrown really took it for the team here, as he made himself look like an ass, but helped his team to victory.

Wow.

Great game, though. Ten tons of fun on a bun, even without the wacky antics.

Wax Off: 21, Eddy & The Boozers: 17

Game 3:

Muffintops vs. Beetledouche

Yeah, dudes! To this point, this was the most anticipated game of the tournament. Muffintops had defeated Q-Balls in the first "most anticipated game" and came away victorious, anointing them as The Team To Beat. Beetledouche came in with their headband and their Jonny Tal, looking to steal the spotlight.

This game lived up to the hype. After a sonic letdown in Game 2, the crowd screwed it's lungs back in and brought the sound and fury again. Every point was an experience in Eardrum Compression Torture, even on the boring points where nothing really happened. When the tension was thick and the rally long, dear sweet Baby New Year I could barely hear myself think. It was so loud, in fact, that I could barely hear Brian shouting right next to me. The pong table was in a state of constant vibration from the oscillations of the sound waves tearing around Centre Court. I'm guessing that I wasn't the only one who needed to recalibrate his pancreas after this game. Jean Shen kept her hand clamped over her mouth in order to keep the pressure in her body equalized in contrast to the extremely high concentration of sonic power being generated. League Scoreboard Jance Rubinchik somehow managed to focus enough to maintain the rudimentary mathematical skills required to accurately tally the scores.

Goodness gracious, it's amazing that the retractable dome over Centre Court didn't come crashing down, pulverizing us all to smithereens.

Muffintops: 21, Beetledouche: 18

Blaise Says

"For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed."

That would be Blaise Pascal, not Blaise Panfalone. Blaise Panfalone said something entirely different, mostly regarding today's matchups, but if you want to know what he thinks, you'll have to ask him, since I promised not to repeat anything he said today.

In related news, Blaise Pascal invented roulette while trying to develop a perpetual motion machine. He also created the world's first mechanical calculator. Both of these inventions had tremendous implications with regards to gambling and I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Bring your singles! Just because Kane's out doesn't mean you can't cash in.

Team Profile: Scottish

The partnership of Chuck Duke (strangely not playing on the team that bears his name) and Joe Engelke was like mercury: tough to get a handle on. Joe was nervous for his first ever tournament game, but righted the ship for the second. We've seen what Chuck can do, but alas, we'll never know how good they could have been with some time together under their belts.

Scottish, we hardly knew ye.

Today's Games

Holy @#$. We're making good time now.

Game 1:
Chuck Duke Presents: Hairbags vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Wax Off

Game 3:
Beetledouche vs. Muffintops

Two elimination games and one titanic matchup. Heavy, heavy action.

Bracket Update!

Up to the moment!

The Gambler: Results

The casino is closed. Kane is out for two weeks on vacation and the action was dead. I heard Ryan looking for action at one point, but there were absolutely no takers.

It's a sad day for compulsive gamblers. Kane will remain stalled at his present total for a while.

Tournament total: -$4

Pill Count

A red-letter day for pill fans. Ryan had one, Blaise had one, and Jeremie had two! Zounds! How can he still be walking. Perhaps he's not. Maybe he's curled under his desk, waiting for feeling to return.

Tournament total: 11

Day 6 Action!

Is it really only Day 6? Seems longer than that, but whatever. Here we are, exactly where we are meant to be.

Game 1:

Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

It was windy today and, of course, someone complained about it. Of all the things I can control, "weather" is not on the list. Actually, it's a really short list. One item: Nothing. Put that in your existential pipe and smoke it.

Anyway, it looked like a sweet matchup here. Blazin' Paddles vs. the Kosher Kaiser. TC vs. Stephen Wong, who has no nickname. (Leave your nickname ideas in the comments section.) This one, as they say, had all the makings...on paper.

As per history, the non-Gentile Giant took half the game to wake up his paddle. Blaise whistled slams way too high and way too low. TC's paddle turned to Jell-O brand gelatin at some points, making returns ineffective. Stephen Wong just tried to stay out of Clemmy's way, costing him some points. The leads went up and down like a roller coaster, with Hot Buzz finally pulling away, but not before Blaise took one in the pill case (and true to this year's tournament form, insisting that it hit him in the hip).

Hot Buzz: 21, Jew Magix: 15

Game 2:

Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Finally, the Boozers' first game. We were dying to see what Austin Eddy brought to the pitch. Was he accurate? Streaky? Was his flow heavy or light? Who knew?

Just like the first game, this thing was all over the place. Ryan, bless his headband, could not keep the ball anywhere near the table and even got conked in the dice once. Jonny was shooting blanks 50% of the time. Jeremie was having a similar success rate. Austin acquitted himself just fine for a guy under the pressure of Centre Court for the first time, but still, lots of points left out on the table. Was it the wind? Really? You wish. Everyone was just a bit off today, I guess, but at least that made things exciting. The scores were tight for the most part, but today was Beetledouche's day. Jeremie wound things up with a bang by completely fanning on the final point of the day, allowing the ball to connect for his second pilling of the match.

Beetledouche: 21, Eddy & The Boozers: 16

Game 3:

Hot Buzz vs. SILF

It finally seemed that the players warmed up. Very exciting game! The scores were so even throughout that we had our first deuce of the tournament. Yahoo! Blaise was ripping some slams. The JParm 5000 needed some slight recalibration mid-game, but played a very strong match. Tom Collins played some steady-as-she-goes pong. The key, in my estimation, was Hans. The guy played great! Very few missed shots. He was hitting to Blaise and most folks figured that Blaise would be ripping slam after slam, but it was not to be. Hans had a high rate of return (unlike most checking accounts) and some good location. He kept Blaise moving, which might have been the key. He couldn't set his feet.

Anyway, on to deuce we go!

First serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Second serve...
Crowd: "Dooooooooce!"

Third serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Fourth serve...
Crowd: "Dooooooooce!"

Fifth serve...
Jance: "Advantage, SILF!"

Sixth serve...

SILF: 24, Hot Buzz: 22

Team Profile: Lady Berries

This profile is a little late, since Lady Berries has already been eliminated, but the team of Kirk Larkins and two-time former Champion Jean Shen is still worthy of notice.

For those of you unsure what lady berries are, click here. All will be illuminated.

Anyone Else Feel Like We Haven't Played A Game In Weeks?

Oof.

Today's matchups...

Game 1:
Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Game 3:
SILF vs. Game 1 winner

Team Profile: Sturgeonface

Does this lively little fellow to the right look familiar? He should, because he's disguised as either Geoff or Jance! Skinny, scaly mofos wearing glasses; that's Sturgeonface!

Ok, they're not scaly, as far as I know, but they do wear glasses. Geoff and Jance, that is. Their team mascot, the proud sturgeon himself, is most definitely scaly.

I don't know where this post is going, so I'll just stop. Just know this: Sturgeonface - still alive.

Massive Tournament Stall!

Due to the absence of Tom Collins and Jeremie Talbot this week, our bracket is currently stalled until their return. I know, I know, but don't blame me. Well, maybe a little, since I'm only here three days a week, but we still would have burned through all our available games this week by now.

When those two chuckleheads get back in a working mood, I'd like to try to get in three games a day. We've got a couple of players mere weeks away from completing their tours of duty here and I would like to give everyone the opportunity to be a champion. If my calculations are correct, we may just be able to finish this thing in two week's time if we cram in three per day.

The good news is that more games equals more excitement, so that's a good thing.

Please try to be on time and ready to play on your day. You may be called on to play two in one day, but that's how it goes sometimes.

In light of all of the above, here are next Wednesday's games:

Game 1:
Hot Buzz vs. Jew Magix

Game 2:
Eddy & The Boozers vs. Beetledouche

Game 3:
SILF vs. the winner of Game 1

Please let me know if there's any conflict. Thanks.

Updated Bracket

Up to the nanosecond!

Who's In? Who's Out?

Everyone is still in except for the following three teams, who have notched two tournament losses:

Scottish
Lady Berries
Velveeta Manwich

In contrast, neither Jeremie Talbot nor Austin Eddy has played a single point! That's what you get when half your team is out of town for an entire week of play. I guess they will always be able to say, "We were in the tournament longer than those other chumps!"

I'd be more gracious about it, myself, but I don't know about those two. They seem pretty hardcore.

Pill Count

We had one near miss today. Will lofted a beauty which just seemed to keep carrying towards Mike B's peanuts, but according to Beetledouche player/coach Jonny Tal, a near miss was as close as we'd get. Not for lack of trying, though. Once the outcome of the game was pretty well secured, Mike B shifted his priority from winning to pilling Will. Not to be.

Tournament total: 7

The Gambler: Results

Woo hoo! Kane back up on top! $2 coming in and none going out. It's a shame that he might have finally swung momentum, since he'll be out of town for two weeks. The Bank of Kane is closed until late September. I have a hunch that the tournament will still be in full swing when he returns, giving Kane one last opportunity to get into the black.

Tournament total: -$4

Day 5 Action!

Game 1:

Velveeta Manwich vs. Wax Off

Well, let's set the stage here for a moment. In a previous post, JBrown had called out Gibby for the ultimate hair challenge. If Manwich won, then JBrown was going to shave his head completely, cue ball style (not Q-Ball). If Wax Off won, then Gibby was going to let his hair grow until Halloween. That's roughly 48 days, which is ironic, since that's how long it would take for JBrown's hair to grow in long enough that he wouldn't be socially repellent.

The stakes were obviously high....

But not high enough for Will to take things seriously! I think you can fill in the blank of, "Will Groebe is the Clown Prince of ______," with just about anything and be accurate. The Clown Prince of Pong. The Clown Prince of Animation. The Clown Prince of Mechanical Bull Riding. See how it works universally? Try one yourself now, see if it doesn't hold true.

Once the game finally got underway, the crowd was obviously behind Manwich. They wanted a shaving, not a growing. I can't be certain whether they were pro-Brown-humiliation instead of pro-Gibby-humiliation or whether a shaving is just so much more instant gratification, but every point Wax Off garnered was an opportunity for the masses to exercise their right to boo.

Unfortunately for the skinhead fans, they had plenty of reason to boo.

Wax Off: 21, Velveeta Manwich: 15

Velveeta Manwich has been eliminated and Gibby has 48 days to think about what he's done.

Sweaty Tal, Sweaty Tal!

Sweaty Tal, in a photo taken very shortly after taking his second shot to the pills the other day, which no doubt triggered his sweaty glands.

Kirk Count

Well, he didn't actually stop by my desk, but he called my desk phone to tell me to check my email, which I already do 100 times a day as it's a major part of my job. It seems that he'd sent me a mail that couldn't wait another minute, in spite from the fact that it could have waited until tomorrow. I count this as a visit.

Tournament total: 6

I have a spy phone which tells you who is calling you before you pick up. Next time I see his name, I'm just going to count it here and leave the phone on the hook.

Thud!

The sound of a heavy gauntlet hitting the floor! Check this action out!

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If Wax Off loses today then I, Jim Brown, will shave my head tomorrow at center court.

However, if Wax Off wins, then Tom Gibbons will have to grow out his hair for 48 days. No haircuts until Halloween!!!

Are you in Gibbons?

Cheers.

- Jim Brown

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Holy cats. That's intense! And how does it affect Kane's wagerings?